About 7 months ago I moved from New York thousands of miles across the country to San Diego. I came home recently for Thanksgiving, the first time in 7 months. What I saw is that life does not wait for you.
My generation (yes, I went there) has been conditioned to accept nothing less than everything we what. So, when something isn’t 100% ideal or a better opportunnity appears, there is no question that it will be chased after. I saw an ideal and I chased it. I have made new friends, seen new places, and had new opportunities that I will always remember and be grateful for. I have established bonds with people that can only be felt by those who are far away from home.
Coming back to the only place I have ever called home, I expected it to be frozen in time, just as I left it. Not waiting for me, but there to fit in to exactly as it was when I left. While I was across the country changing so was everything that I left behind.
My friends have new friends- who I do not know, there are new restaurants I have never heard of, or eaten at, kids have grown up. Life has gone on.
Of course this carries mixed emotions. It’s strange to see my good friends being close with people I have never met or barely heard of. Sharing inside jokes and stories about places I have never been. Strange to see buildings that were once vacant, now home to thriving businesses. Or kids who I babysat and could barely say one word, now speaking in sentences.
My home will always be my home, and nothing can erase or replace the memories I have with people I have known for years. But I know that home is not where I belong right now. Home is a constant that I can always come back to. The memories I have and the people I love will always be there, as fixtures of that part of my life.
The saying ‘nothing stays but change’ has never applied to me more than it does now. In a single day I have constructed 5 different, but all perfect, life plans and then decided that none of them will work (I’m sorry mom-I really am!) My friends are coming and going, I am content with where I am and with what I am doing, but then the next minute nothing I have is what I want. Someone who I thought would be a constant is now completley absent, and I do not know where I am meant to be.
I have learned about myself in ways I never would have imagined, and seen what I do and do not want in life. And another thing I now know is, whether we like it or not, change is here to stay.
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
― Gilda Radner